ENOUGH

"What am I to do when myself is not enough?" Perhaps you have asked yourself this question before. I asked myself this question today, and found that the answer was in a concept I am still discovering: identity.

I grew up in a country that deemed white, English speaking individuals more capable, intelligent and worthy of respect than those who spoke a foreign tongue or had a darker complexion. Yup, hectic, I know, but that's the reality of it, although it was never admitted, of course. I am white and speak English well, and can, ironically, take no credit for these two qualities that, in my country, granted me opportunities to accomplish more than friends who were not white or English.

Don't get me wrong, this is not arrogant talk. In fact, this stereotyping that has become the norm bears shame rather than pride. No, instead I write this to illustrate how there is one opportunity that I have been denied: to know the hurt of rejection based on myself not being enough. Today, I experienced this in a small way that was noticeable enough to bring these thoughts to the front of my mind. I answered a call from a customer wanting to place an order with our company. This is a pretty typical request that we receive regularly and one that I was sufficiently equipped, both in knowledge and experience, to handle. I was, however, not American, which was, according to the customer, a key quality needed to fulfil the request.

What is a person to do when self is not enough?

I considered, for a moment, lying about my nationality in order to prove my worthiness. Not only would this go against my morals and dishonour my heritage, but it would also suggest that I am unsatisfied with my makeup, my very design. I was born a female, to a South African family of European descent: qualities of which none can I take credit for and all of which have been gracefully worked into a plan for my good. Should any of these qualities cause another to pass me as insufficient, I would be at a loss of how to improve myself in order to meet their needs. Now, if I was lacking in skill or talent or experience to fulfil a role, I could apply hard work and dedication to achieve the growth and maturity required. However, even after much effort and perseverance, I could never achieve American.

Perhaps you feel the same way. You feel inadequate, lacking, and not enough because of your heritage, skin tone, gender, class or status. You, like me, experiment ways to show your worth to others, in order to fill the basic human need to feel liked, known, loved, and seen. I know. Being a type 9 (yes, I support the Enneagram test) my core fear is the fear of being overlooked, loveless, unimportant and shut out. The problem is, no matter how hard I strive to fit or match or live up to a standard set by the world, I will never be enough.

There is good news, however.

I found this good news for myself when I was 18 and overcoming depression. I found someone who chose me, someone who loved me so much that he sacrificed everything for my freedom. All my life, I hadn't realized that it was him who gave me everything I had. He gave me a promise, and I have found him to be trustworthy and unchanging. I am free because I live for an audience of one, this one. Free from oppression, from opinions and from stereotyping norms. Free in his unconditional love. In him, I am - enough.

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